Fear

It used to be a call in the middle of the night that would send my heart racing, make me start thinking the worst.  It would bring a true fear to my heart.

Now it is a knock at the door.

Last year, a knock at the door around 2 am told me a child had passed away.

Last night, I received a knock at the door around 1:30 am.  I went to answer it with fear in my heart, fear there was something wrong.  Fear of the worst.

Two of the Bo’Me were at my door saying I needed to come quick to take a child to the hospital.  I gathered my things, went next door to alert Bryan and Anita (making them fear the worst until I told them a child needed to go to the hospital), and headed down to the child’s house.

I took the child to the hospital and he was admitted.  I think he will be okay.

But that fear, the middle of the night fear, the knowledge that something is wrong, that will still be there.

Before I came to Beautiful Gate, it was a phone call.  I rarely got a knock at the door I wasn’t expecting.  Phone calls at unexpected times often led to fear, to dread.  I didn’t want to answer the phone, knowing something was wrong.  I knew because I had experience.  It was a phone call at 5:30 am in 2003 that told me my father passed away.  It was a phone call around 3 am in 2011 that told me my grandfather had gone to Heaven.  It was a phone call around 9 pm in 2002 that told me my grandmother was no longer with us.  It was a phone call in the middle of the day in 2003 that told me my other grandmother had passed away.  Phone calls at times that were not normal, at times when people should be sleeping or at work.  Phone calls that told me news I did not want to hear.

It took me years to not fear phone calls at odd times or unexpected phone calls.

And now it is knocks at the door.  This does not happen often, but it definitely strikes fear in those of us here.  Those of us who know what it is like to hear the worst news when you answer that door in the middle of the night.

So, how do I move on from this fear?  I keep living.  I keep trusting God to give me the strength to open the door, despite my fear.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?”  ~ Psalm 27:1

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you in my righteous right hand.”  ~ Isaiah 41:10

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