Sometimes songs just hit home, right in my heart. They make me think, make me cry out, express what I’m feeling, and fall into worship. They are how I express myself and how I sometimes deal with what is going on inside me.
I remember a couple years ago driving home from visiting my grandfather in the hospital. If I remember correctly, he had just expressed his desire to go home, not to his assisted living home, but to his eternal home. I was overwhelmed. I love my grandfather so much and how do I deal with the fact that he doesn’t want to be around anymore?
Now, I must back up a little to explain. This was my father’s dad. My father passed away in December 2013. His mother passed a year before that. I’d also lost my grandmother on the other side during that time. But I was blessed with another 8 years with my grandfather before he passed way.
I don’t even know how to express what it means to lose that connection. You see, as a girl I always imagined my father would walk me down the aisle when I get married. Then when he passed away, I figured my grandfather would do it, as he walked my sister down the aisle. But with him gone, who was going to do it? And trust me, this is just an example, my future wedding was the least of my worries. My grandfather was the last of my father. Yes, my cousins and one of my grandfather’s brothers still lives, but it is still not the same.
So, I was driving home from the hospital and a song came on the radio. There are two songs at the time that really hit home for me. One was Laura Story’s “Blessings.”
‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
And the other was “Strong Enough” by Matthew West.
I know I’m not strong enough to be
everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not stong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
For the both of us
As I was driving into the parking lot of my apartment complex, “Strong Enough” came on the radio. And I said there singing along, crying, releasing all that was going on to my Father God. Because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it on my own.
It’s funny how songs can take you back. How they can remind of a time and place. How they can remind you where your heart should be, who you should lean on. Often listening to a song has brought my heart to its knees. It has brought me to a place where I give it all to God.
Just to finish the story, my grandfather did not pass away at that time, he passed away about 3 months later. And by that time the Lord had given me strength to deal, to know it was the right thing. To know my grandfather was finally at peace and no longer in pain.
Many times, the Lord has used different songs to speak to me. When I committed to move to Africa, it was a song that we were singing in church where I said “I’m all in.” I don’t remember the name of that song. Last year when the children passed away, it was “Jesus Hold Me Now” by Casting Crowns that I would play over and over, just yearning for the arms of my Father. And this morning, it was the Kutless song “I’m Still Yours” which was playing that made me think.
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
And I thought would I still worship God if it all went away? Yes, I think I would. I’d cry out to Him in song, as I always have. I believe the next line holds true for me.
If You take it all
This life You’ve given
Still my heart will sing to You
I am so thankful the Lord has gifted so many people with the ability to write songs, songs for Him. Songs that help me express what I am feeling when I can’t come up with the words myself.
Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know
That I’m Yours
I’m still Yours