I scroll through facebook or read a friend’s blog and it hits me, how much I miss my kids. Two graduated from preschool a couple weeks ago and I wasn’t there to join in the celebration. Many have been adopted and I haven’t met their new families.
Yet there are other times where I just don’t think about them, which also makes me sad. Beautiful Gate posted a bunch of pictures of kids’ smiles the other day and I only recognized a couple of the smiles in the pictures even though I probably know most of the kids. Have I already forgotten? How can I?
I got a new computer yesterday and I was changing the desktop background to a picture I like. I decided to do a slide show of my kids, so it could flip through them as a background. And looking at some of the pictures, I realized I’ve forgotten a few names from earlier in my time at BG and some of the babies’ names from more recently. I never want to forget.
But even so, looking into the eyes of a little boy who I love, my heart breaks. This child has been reunified with his family since I left BG. I will probably never see him again. I’ll never get to hear him say “Ausi Mpho” again. I will never get to pick him up and put him in my lap and just give him a big hug again.
Seeing the smile of a little boy who always makes me smile brings joy to my heart even though I miss him so much. Remembering the story of a little girl telling me about the family she will be joining soon, one that she has waited so many years for, brings me such happiness. When I see her picture I remember how she always tested me and gave me attitude for the first year I was at BG. Then suddenly, like a switch, she trusted me (what an amazing thing to receive a child’s trust). I guess she wanted to make sure I could be trusted. Did she always listen? No. But what child does? Hopefully her family will be able to bring her home before Christmas.
I wonder if that trust is gone now? These kids trusted me. They knew I loved them so much. Yet now I’m not there. I left them. I wonder how they feel about that? Do they think I don’t love them? Do they think I abandoned them like maybe a family member did to them in the past? I sure hope not. I hope they remember and know how much I love them.
I often get asked how I’m doing now that I’m home or “aren’t you happy to be home?” And the answer is always hard. Am I happy to be home? Sometimes. I’m happy to see family and friends. But I miss Lesotho. I miss my friends there. I miss my kids. And how am I doing? Mostly well, but I do have moments where something hits me. Where my heart breaks because I can’t hug a little child who has claimed my heart. And in those moments I wonder what am I doing? Yet I thank God that He brought me to BG and showed me His love for the fatherless.