I miss…

I scroll through facebook or read a friend’s blog and it hits me, how much I miss my kids.  Two graduated from preschool a couple weeks ago and I wasn’t there to join in the celebration.  Many have been adopted and I haven’t met their new families.

Yet there are other times where I just don’t think about them, which also makes me sad.  Beautiful Gate posted a bunch of pictures of kids’ smiles the other day and I only recognized a couple of the smiles in the pictures even though I probably know most of the kids.  Have I already forgotten?  How can I?

I got a new computer yesterday and I was changing the desktop background to a picture I like.  I decided to do a slide show of my kids, so it could flip through them as a background.  And looking at some of the pictures, I realized I’ve forgotten a few names from earlier in my time at BG and some of the babies’ names from more recently.  I never want to forget.

But even so, looking into the eyes of a little boy who I love, my heart breaks.  This child has been reunified with his family since I left BG.  I will probably never see him again.  I’ll never get to hear him say “Ausi Mpho” again.  I will never get to pick him up and put him in my lap and just give him a big hug again.

Seeing the smile of a little boy who always makes me smile brings joy to my heart even though I miss him so much.  Remembering the story of a little girl telling me about the family she will be joining soon, one that she has waited so many years for, brings me such happiness.  When I see her picture I remember how she always tested me and gave me attitude for the first year I was at BG.  Then suddenly, like a switch, she trusted me (what an amazing thing to receive a child’s trust).  I guess she wanted to make sure I could be trusted.  Did she always listen?  No.  But what child does?  Hopefully her family will be able to bring her home before Christmas.

I wonder if that trust is gone now?  These kids trusted me.  They knew I loved them so much.  Yet now I’m not there.  I left them.  I wonder how they feel about that?  Do they think I don’t love them?  Do they think I abandoned them like maybe a family member did to them in the past?  I sure hope not.  I hope they remember and know how much I love them.

I often get asked how I’m doing now that I’m home or “aren’t you happy to be home?”  And the answer is always hard.  Am I happy to be home?  Sometimes.  I’m happy to see family and friends.  But I miss Lesotho.  I miss my friends there.  I miss my kids.  And how am I doing?  Mostly well, but I do have moments where something hits me.  Where my heart breaks because I can’t hug a little child who has claimed my heart.  And in those moments I wonder what am I doing?  Yet I thank God that He brought me to BG and showed me His love for the fatherless.

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